50 States of Beers, #4: Michigan
Note: 50 States, 50 Beers. This is my project for 2021: one beer from every state in the Union. That sounds simple, right?
I think most of my impressions of Michigan came from constantly watching “Home Improvement” episodes as a kid. In my mind, Michigan is a state of grunty outdoorsmen and do-it-yourselfers that end up in the emergency room on a daily basis, worship Barry Sanders, and have long chats with their neighbor over a just-high-enough fence.
I didn’t have a whole much else to go on for the state, aside from too-early memories of my dad hating Bill Lambieer and the bad-boy Pistons when they drove a stake into the heart of the 1980s Celtics. What a bunch of assholes.
I’ve added a few more things to my Michigan mental scrapbook over the years. Axel Foley. The auto industry. The Red Wings and Avalanche beating the shit out of each other. Eminem. Kid Rock. Most recently, as the epicenter for some of the craziest and most active MAGA/Qanon/anti-masker/right-wing militia figures in the whole movement. I mean, they plotted to kidnap a sitting governor! How batshit is that???
Still, throughout all of that, I still keep coming back to Tim Taylor and his unruly brood of mushroom-topped sons and long-suffering wife, tinkering with his hot rod in the garage, making fun of Al Borland, and going to jail for drug trafficking (and then turning informant on a whole bunch of dealers). Oh, wait, Tim Allen actually did that.
Maybe a really good beer can replace Tim, Al, Mark, Randy, Brad, Jill, and all the rest in my Michigan mind’s eye. So, that brings us to the beer of today — HOPSLAM ALE from Bell’s Brewery.
Bell’s Brewery is — arguably — the most famous brewery to come out of Michigan (though Founders might have a good case), mostly on the strength of their absolutely delicious Bell’s Two Hearted Ale. If you haven’t had it, it’s a must-stock in the fridge for any IPA lovers — along with Jai Alai from Cigar City in Florida (coming soon to these reviews, I hope), they’re the two truly elite mass-produced IPAs that just about anyone in the country can get. If anyone tries to claim that offerings from places like Goose Island or Sam Adams are in their league, feel free to laugh and point. They’re very wrong.
Bell’s is from Kalamazoo, Michigan — a town famous for its awesome name, as the hometown of Derek Jeter, and (bringing it all around), the place where Tim Allen got into his cocaine trouble. The Bell family started brewing there in the 1980s, grew their little homebrewing place into a brewpub, and then bought a bigger brewery in nearby Comstock in the 2000s. Now, they make over 300,000 barrels a year, with Two Hearted right at the forefront of the Michigan craft beer scene.
We’re not going over Two Hearted today, however! Luckily enough, this project coincided with the release of Bell’s other famous beer — Hopslam Ale. This is one of those annual releases true beer lovers across the United States mark their calendars for; coming out in January or February every year, Hopslam is a 10% sledgehammer of an IPA. Let’s go to the description on the website!
Starting with six different hop varietals added to the brew kettle & culminating with a massive dry-hop addition of Simcoe hops, Bell’s Hopslam® Ale possesses the most complex hopping schedule in the Bell’s repertoire.
Selected specifically because of their aromatic qualities, these Pacific Northwest varieties contribute a pungent blend of grapefruit, stone fruit and floral notes. A generous malt bill and a solid dollop of honey provide just enough body to keep the balance in check, resulting in a remarkably drinkable rendition of the Double India Pale Ale style.
More power, aargh, aargh, aargh. Clearly, this beer isn’t fucking around. Also — another cool bonus — it’s in a BOTTLE, which (I think) is the first one in this whole series. That’s awesome. I love a good bottled beer to change things up from a normal 16-oz. aluminum tallboy.
So how is it? Well…to quote F. Murray Abraham’s killer appearance in Inside Llewyn Davis, I don’t see a lot of money here. It’s a fun change-up from the norm; the honey does give it an appealing, unique counterbalance to that avalanche of hops. It’s a very good beer — but I just can’t put it at that premium level. It’s a gimmick; a very good one, at that, but at the end of the day, that’s what it is. Maybe it’s a good thing it’s an annual release. Grab a six-pack when it comes out, enjoy its appearance, and then forget about it for another year. Keep it in the right place on the rankings. And, in the meantime, stick to the Bell’s Two Hearted — with the can design a clumsy-yet-endearing Michigan outdoorsman, tinkerer, and local cable show host would adore.
RATING: 77/100.
OTHER RANDOM NEW YORK CATEGORIES
Why is the state flag that way?
Whoa! That’s a whole lotta stuff going on. We got a friendly guy with a gun, a friendly-ass sunrise, an elk, a moose, an eagle, and a shitload of Latin. Looks like the inside of a Knights of Columbus, just without the cigarette smell and nickel beer smell.
Apparently, they got the elk and the moose from the old Hudson Bay Company coat of arms, which is cool. The Eagle is for the United States, of course. Now, as for the dude with the gun standing on the “peninsula” (another homeland touch). Well, he’s both for peace (check out the raised hand) and the ability to defend oneself (that big-ass gun). Kind of like Matthew Modine in Full Metal Jacket, with the BORN TO KILL message and the peace sign on his helmet. THE DUALITY OF MAN, SIR.
Well, maybe we shouldn’t be all that surprised at Michigan’s little militia/kidnapping the governor problem. Wow, even the Latin text on the very bottom translates to “defend.” Very natural, very militant. It seems to sum up Michigan nicely.
Tell me about a political scandal or event from Michigan.
For all the craziness of its populace, Michigan seems to produce rather inoffensive politicians. I mean, Gerald Ford and Mitt Romney are from there. Even the crooked Trumpers from Michigan like Betsy DeVos and Ben Carson at least had that dumbass sense about them. They all just seem rather milquetoast, however.
Putting aside the Flint water disaster — which is still going on, by the way — the most famous political scandal out of Michigan might be the disastrous tenure of Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. Kilpatrick was a bingo card winner for mayoral corruption. He put most of his friends and family on the city payroll, pushed state grant money to his wife’s organization, got caught up in a truly insane text-messaging scandal, assaulted a cop, got indicted for tax fraud and evasion — and that’s just the start of his “Controversies, felony trials, and incarceration” Wikipedia section. You must read it. It’s the political corruption equivalent of Warren Beatty’s “Who’s Dated Who?” page.
How about a sports star from that state?
Tons to choose from — Joe Louis, Magic Johnson, Pat LaFontaine, John Smoltz — but let’s go with Kirk Gibson, the Pontiac native that won a title with the Tigers and then hit one of the more famous home runs in history.
That’s the good stuff. Hey, baseball season’s almost here! Don’t we all need more distractions?
NEXT WEEK: Connecticut
