The Whole 30 Experience — Day 28: Tools

I’m happy to be out of my old apartment, but there was something there that was … well, kind of a crucial part of the Whole 30 diet.

ALL of the cutlery I needed to chop, slice, dice, and prepare the various vegetables and meats for the diet? Yeah. I didn’t have any of that stuff. Those all belonged to my roommates.

Somehow, over the years, all of my sharp knives and kitchen utensils up and walked off like socks from the wash. They fled into the night, and I barely noticed because a) I didn’t cook too much (who needs a big, sharp knife when Burger King delivers), and b) I’ve never really been one for kitchen gadgets.

So, when I moved into my new apartment, I got myself some of my bell peppers and onions and went to chop them up and then —

Oh.

I DID have a plastic Dixie knife, though, and I made a right asshole of myself trying to use it to Machete my precious vegetables. Hold on. If any of the various foodies or cooks out there have passed out in horror, I’ll give you a second to collect yourselves.

Done? Okay. Good. Sorry. Just view it as evidence of my commitment to get through this, the sight of a man struggling to chop up an onion with a fucking plastic Dixie knife. Just be lucky I didn’t use my Swiss Army blade.

Today, I had to go pick up all the mail that had somehow slipped through the cracks at my old place. Fate brought me past a Dollar Store in Somerville. I went in and went a little nuts. Well, as nuts as you can go in a store where everything’s a dollar.

$25 later, I walked out with a few new knives, dish towels, bowls, spoons, salt and pepper, some spices, a baking sheet, and some other shit I forgot about (I’m too lazy to get up and catalog them). WATCH THE FUCK OUT, PIONEER WOMAN — I’M COMING FOR YOUR THRONE.

Of course, then I opened what $25 of kitchen utensils at the Dollar Store will get me. That knife is TERRIBLE. Whatever the opposite of the shit that makes up Wolverine’s claws? That’s what it’s made out of. I think I’d break it slicing jello. I didn’t expect a Hanzo sword, but a LITTLE competency, at the least.

So, then I get a phone call from my parents.

“Did you get our housewarming gift?” they asked.

It was a brand-new set of nice Cuisinart knives, sharp and beautiful, sitting right outside my door. I opened them up, and laughingly explained the situation to them.

“Well, keep that other one for if you ever have to stab an intruder to your apartment,” my mother helpfully suggested. I guess that WOULD be a Wolverine move, right?

I guess right along with all those mental tools I’ll need to build up, I’ll need the real-life actual kitchen appliances too. I’ll need a full arsenal going forward. I’m going to look at them as long-term investments to get me actually cooking consistently.

Just … everyone stop me before I spend a bunch of money on the cornballer, please?

RANDOM PETER KING THOUGHTS

• Spent the entirety of two days watching the impeachment proceedings and working. I don’t think it’s the healthiest thing.
• Other gadgets purchased: a water filter jug, colander, strainer, new pans, dish-drying rack. We have a dishwasher, but I have this thing against them. I kind of find it calming, cleaning dishes. Weird, right?
• The live Inside the NBA Kobe tribute tonight is going to be something.
• Filled out my Superbowl squares. NEED MORE TO DO. I love squares, though I never friggin’ win.
• I did really enjoy Joe Scarborough’s pissed-off rant this morning: https://www.thedailybeast.com/msnbc-host-joe-scarborough-trashes-trumps-defense-team-as-a-confederacy-of-dunces
• Two days to go. Damn.