The Whole 30 Experience — Day 4: Rocket to Russia

I’ve received a lot of warnings from people that have done Whole30. “The first few days are the hardest,” is the usual statement. “Then you get used to it — and all the cravings disappear. But those first few days…you’ll be angry/sad/depressed/hungry. And it will suck.”

I must be an outlier, then, because I haven’t encountered any of those emotions. In fact, I haven’t felt ANYTHING that the serial killer from Seven would use against me in some ironic murder. So far, this has gone better than I could have ever thought.

My spirits? They’re about a thousand times better. I’m more alert, more wide-eyed, more aware of stuff around me. I don’t feel sluggish or weighed down. I feel a ton lighter, even if I’m only probably down … what, two or three pounds, maybe? I dunno (I’m not weighing myself in this, by the way, so good luck with all those “metrics,” you analytical Moneyball assholes).

I’ve found new ways to attack hunger. What was Dunkin’ Donuts in the morning is now home-made eggs and sweet potatoes with an apple at the end to take the craving off. Takeout or fast-food stops on the way home are now home-made chicken or turkey with vegetables cooked on the stove by me. It’s not only healthy — it’s empowering. I wasn’t expecting that.

That craving to get out of the house? I’ve found ways around that, too. After a “recovery” class at my boxing gym yesterday (another one of those new-leaf things for 2020 — yoga comes tomorrow), I needed a food boost before lifting. But where to go in Downtown Boston? Damn. Chicken and Rice Guys is right here, too, but —

Wait a minute.

WHO SAYS I NEED TO GET THE “RICE” IN A CHICKEN AND RICE GUYS DISH?

The inspiration almost knocked me to my knees. I just about sprinted over there. “Of course, we can do that, sir.”

Glory. No carbs needed. Just a big-ass plastic box of amazing spiced chicken (hell, they even give you MORE to make up for the lack of rice in the box) and some lettuce for crunch. Dear readers, let me tell you it was as good a meal as I’ve ever had. I finished it, and I was euphoric. I felt like someone gave me the Rocketeer’s jetpack, and Jennifer Connelly proposed to me at the same damn time. I felt like Roger Clemens after his 20th strikeout. I felt like Hakeem Olajuwon in the 1994 NBA Finals. I felt like Yuri Gagarin on the space pad.

That’s something I haven’t felt in a bunch of years.

I’m sure the physical aspects are a big chunk of it — I mean, of course, you’re going to feel a lot better when you’re not throwing a bunch of carbs and sugar into your body constantly. But…I gotta think a lot of it is feeling good about actually mentally committing to something positive, and something that’ll make a real goddamn difference.

That’s as healthy as any piece of chicken or heap of vegetables will ever be. I know there are going to be times over the next 26 days where I get pissed and get jealous and get depressed and crave something, anything with a glazed frosting or deep-fried breading. Those will come.

When they do, I’ll have to remember that that feeling of all-consuming euphoria is better than anything those temptations can provide.

I got this.

PETER KING THOUGHTS

• FOOTBALL TODAY. A friend that’s doing Whole 30 with me (or a version of it) is making WHOLE 30 COMPLIANT CHICKEN WINGS. I’m honestly more excited about these than I’ve been for any dinner out in years. Give me ALL THE WINGS. I don’t care if the Patriots win again. I’ve got enough Superbowls. Just give me the wings.
• That’s a complete lie. I’m not ready for the Brady era to be over. Just one more, guys. Please?
• Oh, if it’s not the Patriots, wouldn’t the most fun AFC game be a Titans — Bills AFC Championship IN BUFFALO? Can you imagine how drunk these people will be?
• Just ’cause I’m this excited doesn’t mean I’m not planning on celebrating a little once I’m done with it. Any thoughts on what I should have for my first meal afterward? Hit me up.
• How awesome is this Siouxsie and the Banshees cover of “The Passenger”?
• The Witcher should be retitled into The Confuser. Thanks, everyone, be here all week. Seriously, though — why the hell would they have done THAT structure?
• My boxing gym closed early one day last summer cause they were filming a new Mark Wahlberg movie. Probably a common excuse in Boston. I had no idea that it was going to be a new Spenser: For Hire movie, though! Of course, it stars Marky Mark, too. Does anyone else remember Robert Urich as Spenser in the old TV show? With the captain from Deep Space Nine as his buddy Hawk? No? Am I the only one that had a dad that watched it obsessively? No?!? Psssht. You damn kids.